Hello! Apparently you don't need to have ever studied maths or computing science or even art to be a web designer/developer, the only qualification you need is a laptop and countless hours spent browsing the web to be good at this. Which makes the amateurs touting such services as qualified to create your site as I would be to record your wedding because my phone has a camera and I've watched lots of films.

Look at this cool set of four icons describing different things about us! We use four, because it's the default.

Do these icons look familiar? They're the free ones and i don't know how to create my own! I changed this one myself though, how's that for 'bespoke'!

A rocket ship because rocket ships are a symbol of good web design. Or something.

I'll change the pics, maybe the background colours, and a few lines of text - that's why my websites are 'affordable' and ready faster than your dry cleaning!

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These pics come with my theme.

Don't worry about my schoolboy level grasp of English either as I try and desperately sound professional or the fact that I don't even seem to have ever read over my own typo-riddled copy, stuffed as it is with basic grammatical and spelling errors. Rest assured that stuff doesn't matter either and I will write you converting sales copy..! If anyone can read it over the image I print it on because I don't know how to do reverse block colouring or set opacity or any actual design that isn't built into my theme. I could look it up on PHP and CSS sites but I don't know how to code so that's all gobbledygook to me.

How much coffee I've drunk
Something else irrelevant but I think is funny
How many websites this appears on for no reason

Did that stats counter impress you as much as it did me?

My contact information

Here is my personal mobile phone number and maybe even the address where I live. That's a great idea to make that known to the world on the open Web!

With this website and my portfolio of all look-the-same other sites it's time to sit back and wait for all the job offers to come rolling in!

While I'm waiting I'll link my Facebook to other agencies' paid ads in the news feed, totally failing to appreciate how desperate and unprofessional that looks. Not to mention cheap, hitching a ride on other people's advertising dime.

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This isn't web design, this is a free Bootstrap template, downloaded and thrown up on cheap hosting countless times by bedroom office web 'designers' the world over. This is why their work is "affordable": it's free and the only design it comes with is changing the text and pictures. Whatever you paid, you were essentially scammed.

We don't do this, and this is not the sort of amateur-hour site you want if you have a serious business.

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